this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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