WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone came in the potted fern
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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