Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
