He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
