All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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