I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
