they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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