You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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