I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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