Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
