batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
