he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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