My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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