Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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