My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
