You can't motorboat a personality
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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