He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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