Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
