You kept calling me your small dog last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
