low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
