the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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