Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
