I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
