I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
