and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
