I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
