Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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