New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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