please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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