I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
