We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
