So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
