Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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