hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
