the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
