I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
