my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just tell him i said nine months
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
