He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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