I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
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you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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