Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
