I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
