I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
