woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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