Don't make out with my wife yet
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
