The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I forget how to act sober
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