she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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