I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
