Whatcha textin bout Willis?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
