i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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