i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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