I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
