I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
