someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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